


The Kepler Normal People's Society

by SandrC



Series: I Wish to Lodge a Complaint [5]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Difficult Decisions, F/F, FUCKING GRIFFIN AND HIS SHIT MADE ME DISCARD A WHOLE FUCKING CHAPTER HOT DAMN!, I have feelings about Keith and the Hornets, Pigeon has a crush on everyone, References to Drugs, common folk are the best, headcanon central, i will die on this hill, may as well be his coworker, no one person is a bad person, people are stupid, sir that is not how you use a sex toy, someone has to keep duck from fucking up everything with his shit lying, something fucky is going on in kepler, the rating is for language mostly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2019-08-29 13:35:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 14,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16744978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SandrC/pseuds/SandrC
Summary: Dear Ranger Divine,My name is Pigeon Wilson and I think you can help me. Or, everyone. You can help everyone.My name is Pigeon Wilson and I think we can help everyone.(Or: the friends of the Red Jenny but in Kepler and run by Pigeon Wilson, my beautiful daughter who is pan beyond reason and I love her)





	1. Pigeon Wilson, Birdbrain and Local Stoner

**Author's Note:**

> Should I be doing this? No. AM I doing this? Yes.
> 
> The Kepler Normal People's Society is more of a vague concept built around this idea of some of the NPCs in Kepler noticing the odd shit and decided "hey, lets help the local superheroes!" So they band together and stomp out the embers of hearsay so that people like Agent Stern (said like STEVE CARLSBURG) don't know what's up.
> 
> That being said: this story is more a meander into something fun. Not a lot of plot, just a lot of characters.
> 
> I love Pigeon. What a goobus.

Pigeon Wilson, _despite_ most people's thoughts, weren't a fool. _Sure_ , she was flighty and a loudmouth and a damn _smartass_ too, but not a _fool_. You'd be wrong to assume that she didn't see things other people missed. It's why her and Pete were out there in the first place: they'd planned on looking for them Bigfeet out in the woods, where no one could tell them they were just a buncha tinfoil wearing nutjobs and how they just needed t'lisyen to _Coast to Coast_ less. _Nah_ , her and Pete were gonna find a Bigfoot and ask it where the best shit in the woods was, so they could just chill for a weekend. Get fucked up on Bigfeet peyote or shrooms or someshit. Only for a weekend though...

Pigeon also had a _job_ , so...

But Pigeon also knew _Pete_ , and when the poor man—knees knocking and eyes wide with terror—came scrabbling back to her RV with his glasses cracked and his rifle cradled against his chest, she knew something had happened to Ranger Duck. Pete _said_ so.

" _P-p-pigeon_! That-that thing _weren't_ a bear!" Pete said between sips of a hot toddy and crunches of nuked Texas toast. " _Looked_ like one at-at first but it _ain't_!" Pigeon nodded, urging him on. "That ranger, th-the one with the _name_? He came into the field all like...talking to-to _something_ that weren't there and...," another bite of toast and sip of toddy. "It _saw_ him. And-and _he_ saw _it_. And he-he _threw_ th'gun at it! _Whole damn thing_! Saw _me_ , chucked the-the _gun_ , dropped his light, and ran away! But, Pigeon? _Pigeon_! That _weren't_ a buh-a _bear_!" He lunged forward and grabbed her shirt, popping a button out.

She jerked forward so she was eye-level with him, _mainly_ so he didn't strip her naked in fear, coz she wasn't wearing a bra. (Look, even if she _knew_ Pete wasn't into her like that, you don't let your friends just up and see your tits like that. It's gotta be more _dignified_! _Damn_! _Class_ and all that shit!)

"It had antlers comin'-comin' outta its _shoulders_ , this thing. And _fangs_ and _claws_ and tails where tails _ain't s'pos'ta be_! And-and it _oozed_ this-this _black goop_! And it smelled _dead_! Like Mollie's cat when it got hit by that car but kept walkin' bout." His hands shook but he let her go and fell back in his chair. "I _don't_ -if there's Bigfeets out there, they can just _fuck off_! So long as that nasty-nasty _fuck_ is out there, I'm gonna-gonna stay _inside_!" And _that_ was _that_.

Pigeon let Pete sleep, mulling the thought of ' _super not a bear_ ' and ' _Ranger Duck threw a gun instead of firing it_ ' and ' _that's nasty, ain't it_ ' round and round until it muddled into a playdough blob in her brain. But she _trusted_ Ranger Duck. Not just coz he had a bird-name, but _also_ coz he knew her momma and vouched for her and called off the cops when she shot at him.

(And it didn't hurt that he was _kinda_ cute, with the curly hair and dad bod and mis-matched eyes, one a forest green and the other a whiskey brown. Even if he was old enough to be her daddy, she could still appreciate his looks. _Aesthetic_ and all that! _Fuck_ , she had _eyes_!)

When days rolled by and nothing was seen of this not-bear, Pigeon figured that Ranger Duck made good on his promise and got rid of the booger. And that was cause for _celebration_! But Pete went out of town and drinking by herself was just _sad_ , so she poured herself back into work at _Kepler Water_. She was _good_ at that, _at least_.

(She never _forgot_ , though, and when word of a contained blaze by Crooked Bend came up with Duck Newton and Ned Chicane and some lady named Aubrey Little attached, she _knew_. She knew he did her good and was doing good with others. So she'd wait.)

Pigeon Wilson didn't know _much_ about Ned Chicane. Growing up in Kepler meant she didn't do much of the touristy shit like visiting them traps like _the Cryptonomica_ , but she'd _heard of_ Ned. Ned "Tax Evasion" Chicane, who hadn't paid his bills in years but managed to convince all but the shrewdest of collectors he had _weeks ago,_ sir and or madam, and how _dare you_! Ned "Dine and Dash" Chicane, who was banned from _most_ of the fast food in the area for not paying, like a _jackass_. Ned "Spooky" Chicane, who was doing a TV special now called ' _Saturday Night Dead_ ' where he played bad horror flicks for no reason save advertisement. Ned "Phoney and Fraud" Chicane, who somehow got some _stellar_ footage of a Bigfoot, the day that fucking not-bear almost killed Pete.

So now she knew _more_ about him. And that was _cool_.

(She _still_ didn't go to _the Cryptonomica_ , coz that shit was for dumbass tourists and teenagers with nothing better to do. But she _did_ tune in for his show, since the movies were _usually_ terrible and she could riff over 'em. And, _maybe_ , from time to time, she checked Kirby's e-zine, _the Lamplighter_ , for info on the most recent spooky nonsense. It was _pretty_ accurate, if she said so herself. And she _did_. "This is pretty accurate," she said one day, "if I do say so." And that was _that_.)

Now Miss Little was a right _enigma_ , though. Just rolled into Kepler the day of the not-bear, then shacked up at _Amnesty Lodge_ , where all them rich recluses liked to hole up, and never left. _Sure_ , she could be seen on the streets with a blonde chick that had the air of someone who ate vegan for _moral reasons_ and a big lumberjack-looking dude with a bushy beard and mustache combo that made him read like a hipster who bathed in patchouli and hemp shampoo, but she _herself_ was odd and hard to get a read on. Pigeon— _despite_ her many years outside of Kepler getting her degree after her GED—found a chubby black chick with more metal in her face than a wishing well, crimson hair, a leather coat with patches for days, a rabbit the size of a _fucking large dog_ , and stars in her eyes was just...not _normal_.

( _Though_ , a small piece of Pigeon gently reminded herself, _glass stones and all. You're a toboggan wearing conspiracy theorist hanging out in RVs in woods while looking for Bigfoot drug stashes with your best friend of ten years with your **titties** kinda hanging out. You also shot at a District Ranger and **fucked it up** somehow._ She ignored _that_ bit of her, though. _That_ bit could eat her _entire_ ass, _thankyouverymuch_!)

So when Ranger Duck showed up at her work, days after Calvin complained about something in the water trying to _kill_ him as well as some stiff in a suit coming to town, asking her to close off water from _H2Whoa That Was Fun!_ , she knew what was _up_.

"I think y'all are hunting _monsters_ ," she said, leaning towards him with a big ol' shit-eating grin, "and I want _in_."

Ranger Duck, to his credit, _tried_ to lie. _But_ , to _her_ credit, he was a _piss-poor_ liar and Pigeon _weren't_ no fool. He mumbled about fishing and fires but she just grinned at him until he crumpled and told the truth.

(She was good at that, her momma said. _Pigeon Wilson, looks like her daddy, can wring the truth outta a stone_. She tried _not_ to, but old habits and also _holy shit fucking monsters!_ )

" _Yeah_ ," he said, defeated. Then he added, "but, and you _gotta_ understand that I'm breaking, like, _two_ codes of secrecy to tell you this, but like...you _can't_ repeat this to _anyone_. _Period_ , Pigeon. You _got_ that? Not your _ma_ , not your buddy _Pete_ , not a _damn_ soul. Just you and me and _that's it_."

She nodded, eyes bright and sparkling. _At last_ she was getting somewhere. " _Swear_."

"Kepler _is_...see, 'bout every full moon, something _shitty_ comes to Kepler and wrecks shop. And it's been happening since _forever_ , see? And me 'n Ned 'n Aubrey are just the latest in the line of people who keep people like you 'n Pete 'n Leo from finding out and freakin'. Coz _normal_ people can't—" he sighed and ran his hands through his hair, hat set on the table as he talked. "You 'member that _bear_ thing that your friend Pete got trapped by? I'm sure he told you _all_ about it."

" _Yeah_. Said it had antlers and tails in places it shouldn't and oozed black and smelled dead."

Duck grimaced, "Ned drew that one to Crooked Bend cave and Aubrey set fire to keep it in place and I fought it. We _all_ did. _Killed_ the damn thing too." He sounded a _little_ proud of himself and Pigeon couldn't help but be proud _for_ him. "But that's _one_ of a _dozen_ and this one is... _bad_. Made of water and, _well_ , we think we have a plan. But we _need_ t'keep it from leaving as soon as we get it on the ropes, so we _need_ to cut off its escape route. We also need _secrecy_."

_Oh. Okay. Yeah._ "I can do that. Swear and _all_ that shit." Pigeon gave him what she hoped was a reassuring smile. "Just need to be _on_ -location to shut off th'main. Gimme a signal and _I'm_ your gal!"

"And _not_ a word?"

"Swear 'till _death_. Needle and my heart and whatever. _Promise_." She held out her hand. "You _good_ with that?"

" _Yeah_ ," he took her hand, "I think I _am_. Though," he broke eye contact and grabbed at his hat again. "I don't know about Ned and Aubrey. Or Mama and the rest?"

"Deal with it when it happens! Now is for _now_!"

"That's _wise_ , for a birdbrain," Duck laughed.

"Said the _waterfowl_ ," Pigeon retorted. He smiled back and that was enough.

She was gonna help fight a fucking _monster_.


	2. Juno Divine, District Ranger and General Badass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Juno. I love Pigeon. Pigeon loves Juno.
> 
> This was written at an odd hour and I was very tired. I'm not gonna change a damn thing. I fucking love this as is. So sue me.
> 
> This is, also, the most cursed thing I've ever written. Hands down.

Ranger Juno Divine knew that Kepler wasn't the most quiet places to work. _Fuck_ , she _grew up_ in the damn place. So she knew that Kepler was loud, for a small town, _partially_ coz of the tourist industry and _partially_ coz of just... _Kepler_. And, _sure_ , she wasn't the most quiet of kids herself, breaking into abandoned stores and turkey bowling with the butterballs in the 7/11, but _damn_! Have some _class_ , you assholes!

Even _still_...Kepler was _much_ louder now. Or, _rather_ , Juno was better at _noticing_ the noise.

_Speaking_ of noise—

Juno stared at her email with a long-suffering whimper. She sipped at the coffee Duck brought into work as an apology for flaking on late-night sweeps. It was... _exactly_ what she liked. Caramel and salt. Salt and caramel and caffeine. Cold and painful and delicious. Four shots of espresso. _Bless_.

But her _email_ —

Or, rather, _this_ email—

_Dear Ranger Divine,_ it started.

> _My name is Pigeon Wilson and I think you can help me. Or, everyone. You can help everyone._
> 
> _My name is Pigeon Wilson and I think we can help everyone._
> 
> _(And yes, my momma is Vicky Wilson, and yes, I look like my daddy, and no, I will not let Burt near me again, he knows what he did!)_

Juno sighed, eyes _already_ sore from staring at the screen. Pigeon—and she knew Pigeon from Duck coming in and laughing about a gal who tried to shoot him through an RV door and failed—wrote like she thought. Or, she wrote like she _talked_. Both, _probably_. She had lots of asides and rambling tangents. Also, did the poor girl not know a backspace key _existed_?

> _Anyway, as a Person of Law, I know you know that something in Kepler is broke. Broke and hurting and no one notices except a few of us. You, me, some other people. And, of course, Ranger Duck and his two friends Ned "Real Human Name" Chicane and Aubrey Little. We're the only ones who notice, but that's fine._
> 
> _Coz Ranger Duck and Co. are fixing it. But we know stuff too, but we gotta do the underground shit, like the whole fucking CIA or something. I don't know the exact phrasing but, you get me. I know you do._

Juno stifled a laugh at Pigeon's use of Ned's accumulating pool of "middle names". Even if she was a _bit_ of a moonbat, Pigeon had a good sense of humor. But the rest of the email was _wild_ for sure, and it was too early for her to deal with _wild_.

> _See, there's a bunch of people who know what you and I know and I think we can help Duck and Co. but we need all of em. And, while I'm good with emails and planning and shit, you're more good with people and talking to em and shit. So, would you mind?_
> 
> _Talking to these people, I mean. Would you mind talking to this list of people and convincing them to come to just the first meeting? I was thinking it could be a potluck! With Leo's store out, my food stores are looking apocalyptic, so my contribution might be a Velveeta bean dip, but I heard from Duck that you make a good veggie risotto and, like, yes?_
> 
> _(Also, it doesn't have to be a potluck. I'm making the dip regardless, but I figured it'd make people wanna join in. But also keep this on the downlow so that fed up at the Lodge doesn't find out. He's a right dick, saying Bigfoot killed people. Dumb sonovabitch. Bigfoot didn't hurt nobody. Asshole...)_

Duck mentioned her risotto to Pigeon? _Why would_ —?

_Nevermind_. Juno shook her head and dove back into the _disaster_ that was Pigeon's email.

> _You can do what you want to convince them. Ask nicely, threaten to take em to the pokey, whatever. Maybe tell em we know what's up and are gonna find out more? I dunno..._
> 
> _Whatever works._
> 
> _But like...this is real damn important though. The fate of everything is in the balance, and this isn't bullshit. For real. People can die if we don't do anything. I'm not kidding._
> 
> _Please email me back ASAP, Pigeon Wilson_
> 
> _PS: What does PS even stand for? Post-Script, right? Does anyone know?_
> 
> _PPS: Oh, right! So, like, can you not mention me? I'm pretty sure at least one of these people don't like me on principle. I think... I may have been a bit high at the time..._
> 
> _PPPS: Is everyone in the District Rangers Office hot? Asking for a friend._
> 
> _PPPPS: If you find a bag of weed with stems and some...fun dip in it, please bring it to my place? Pete left his stash in his fucking Pocket Pussy and, like, dropped the damn thing in the woods when we were tracking this big, fuckall deer-thing a few weeks ago and, I dunno, he asked me to look. Said, Pigeon, you know Ranger folk! Ask them if they have my Pot Pussy! (That's what he calls it, by the way. He hides his papers in the pussy alongside the baggie. I don't know why he puts fun dip in it though. Swears up and down it makes the weed burn fun colors but I think that's the MDMA he took that one time.)_
> 
> _PPPPPS: Please don't tell the cops about the drugs. My momma'd beat my ass if she had to bail me out for pot again. Says it should be legal here, coz it should, but that if I'm dumb enough to get caught, I should be catching loofah handles from prison dykes during shower time. I keep telling her that that's a fucking bad stereotype and also terribly shitty words, but she's set in her ways, my momma. Fucking Baby Boomers and all._

All-in-all, that email was...a _lot_ to parse.

_Mainly_ the 'fate of the world' shit. _Somewhat_ the whole tangent about her friend hiding weed and joint wraps in a Pocket Pussy. Also the fact that Pigeon's email address was _takeurteefout_ at hotmail dot com. _Hotmail_. In _this_ , the year of our Lord 2K18. _Jesus wept_ , Pigeon was a _mess_.

But...she was a mess with a _point_.

_See_ , she'd noticed _all_ sorts of shit. And she'd _grown up_ with Duck, here, in Kepler. She broke into the roller rink and played hockey with a can of Skoal Duck nicked from his Dad and brooms with two-by-fours taped to them. She smoked weed in back alleys and smuggled crickets into the pride rally. She _left_ and _came back_.

But Duck's a shit liar and " _the tree place_ " is bad. So is " _left my pants in your truck_ " and " _weed operation_ " and " _community theatre_ ". And Duck is a kind man, doesn't like to fight, but she's _seen_ him with bloodied knuckles and blacked eyes. And Duck is a sturdy man, hard to knock this one down, but she's _seen_ him with butterfly closures on his face and in the hospital, Aubrey Little and Ned "Totally Not Suspicious" Chicane there too, because why the fuck not? And Duck is a dedicated man, rarely not at work when he's needed, but he's been _late_ for a week _once a month_ , apologizing with coffee and a vegan tiramisu and _terrible lies_ about his cat and a snake.

(Or, _rather_ , half lies about his cat and a snake. And half lies about goats and his car. And half lies about the funicular and the snow. And half lies about community theatre and Aubrey Little and Mama and Barclay and Ned "Theatre Gay" Chicane and _Midsummer's Night Dream_. And half lies about talking to no one at 6:15PM, on the dot, several times a week. All of them only _half_ because he doesn't tell them, they _just_...die out halfway through.)

So Juno thinks and _thinks_. About Duck, the forest, how things are bad (but not in the way anyone can pin down, just more like a blanket that's just Not Right and you can't point out why), nails in stumps, the Hornets, _H2Whoa That Was Fun!_ , pot, Crooked Bend, fire, hospitals, and feeling like she's _lost_ in her own hometown. Her _skin_ even.

_Yeah_ , _okay_. If Pigeon Wilson, whose friend has weird taste in drugs and _also_ carrying cases, says she's got a _plan_ , then Juno _trusts_ her.

Even if it's a _genuinely_ terrible concept.

So she drafts an email, mind buzzing, and ignores the smarter part of her brain saying _DON'T!_

_Fuck it,_ right?


	3. Calvin Owens, Athlete and Coward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter, still has content. Had to relisten to the beginning of Arc 2 to get a finger on Calvin but...
> 
> Next chapter is probably Kirby. I dunno. I just wanted this one to be Calvin.
> 
> Juno needs sleep. And a hug.
> 
> Who is Jenny? Just a random person Calvin knows! No one of importance! I needed a name and had been listening to electronica music so...
> 
> Calvin, buddy, get therapy. Talk to your dad. Seek help.
> 
> What do teens like these days? Memes? Monsters? Memes about monsters? Sandr is an adult, so Sandr doesn't fucking know! 
> 
> (According to Bloom, Sandr's younger teen sister, yes. And animes with green haired beans and being LGBTQ+ positive as well as understanding gender is a spectrum.)
> 
> And for those of you wondering how I got the tone down so well: I live in the southeastern United States. I'm in that WV area. I got that good good southern twang. That's how people do down here. It's just my cousins I'm channeling. Second cousins, but same hat.
> 
> I had to check the wiki for Keith's name as well as Calvin's. Did you know Calvin has more info than Juno???? For shame!
> 
> Anyway, enjoy.
> 
> PS (which definitely stands for Post-Script): this fic is set somewhen after the current BomBom. For my amusement mostly. Y'all're welcome.

Calvin Owens was uncharacteristically anxious nowadays. Even after Ned Chicane and his dudes ( _apparently_ ) got rid of that thing what tried to kill him, he couldn't bear to get back in the water. At least, not for _long_. He could do meets and practice once a week and the occasional bit of sitting in the tub, but large bodies of water were too much. He kept seeing waves as danger and death and fear and it was difficult to pretend everything was fine.

Jenny, bless her dearly, said he had PTSD but he wasn't buying that. He didn't have some damn soldier's disease that meant he was hurting in the brain! He just didn't like open water with lots of movement, s'all.

(His heart beat hard when the jacuzzi turned on and he stifled a squeak but Jenny heard and she gave him a Look but he didn't say a word. He did _not_ have some soldier's disease, dammit. _Fuck_!)

Anxieties ramped up during midterms and one thing lead to another and, _well_ , his dad weren't too keen on his massive panic attack in the middle of Leo's. Bedrest, no swimming, hearty meals. His dad checking in on him every damn _two minutes_. Couldn't even browse the net without him coming in with something to ask.

So Calvin Owens was _damn_ surprised to get a fucking email from the Park Rangers Station with a fucking official header and a fucking official goddamn stamp and seal on it and _damn_! _Just_...damn...

Anxieties indeed.

> _Calvin Owens, care of this email address,_
> 
> _Sorry about the official looking e-stationary. It's pretty ugly, sure, and probably doesn't make this look like good news but my work email has it pre-set and it's shit to un-do every time I want to send a personal email. So, just, sorry, I guess._
> 
> _Anyway, at risk of rambling on for too long, a friend of mine wants to know if you want to join a club of sorts. Which, even as I type this, and could super backspace and fix it but won't because it's too early and I don't have enough coffee, sounds janky. Would you like a fine vintage, teen boy? Come to my basement with a few other adults, we have memes and weed and whatever else kids these days like! It's totally not some sort of scheme to harvest your ripe, young organs! Jesus wept._

This threw Calvin off for a second. An official-looking email with _super_ unofficial words in it. Still, he started, better not stop. Didn't _seem_ like spam anyways. Too personal.

> _Backing up: gonna reiterate that I'm passing along a message. Friend of mine wants to get people together who've seen some weird shit. Like, around Kepler as a whole. Kinda like the kooky Where's Waldo bullshit of monsters I guess? Calls it a "club" but I'm more inclined to call it a "cult" but whatcha gonna do? Isn't like there's much else to do..._
> 
> _First meeting is on Thursday evening at about 6pm. Friend says it can be a potluck if you want it to, but she has bean dip. Hope you like Velveeta spackle and meat paste and chips! That's what she's making. But I can cover for you for your dad. I know Zeke ain't too keen on you being about since your anxiety's been bad and school and so on, but law trusts law. "No, Sheriff Owens, it's a nature thing. Calvin was wondering if he could see birds doing bird things! I'll have him back before eleven, trust me!" Something like that._
> 
> _Please RSVP. I don't have the patience to wait for years for answers. I've got a job and shit and I only sent this out because she made me laugh._
> 
> _Yours, Ranger Juno Divine_

So a...cryptid club? A club about cryptids in fucking Kepler???? Like the thing that 'bout _killed_ him?!

 _Nope_. No thank you. Not _one_ bit.

Fuck _right_ and off, Ranger Juno Divine. Calvin is _good_ out here.

(But the toilet tank burbles and his heart catches in his throat and he's fine, he's not sick in the head, he _doesn't_ have PTSD, it's all fine.)

But he—

(The sink sputters and he drops a glass and _sorry sorry sorry dad! No, I didn't hurt myself. I just dropped it. Sorry._ )

And—

(A pipe at school leaks water down his back and the scream he lets out sounds like a dying man and everyone's looking at him funny and he hates he hates _he hates—!_ )

...

 _Fuck_.

He hates this.

With a few decisive keystrokes, Calvin sent a response. Just three sentences:

> _Sure, fuck it._
> 
> _I'm bringing Coke._
> 
> _Here's my address —_

Because _sure_. If she can help him, if her group-cult-whatever can _help_ him, then fuck it. Fuck _all_ of it.

Because Calvin Owens is anxious and agitated.

But he's _done_ being a coward.


	4. Kirby, Local Reporter and 100% Done

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Griffin fucked me right up with that new episode. Just...had to throw a whole chapter away. Fucking thanks...

Ned Chicane wasn't the easiest person to read, nor was he the easiest person to get along with. He had a habit of lying for the sake of it, an over-inflated ego, and a poker face fourteen layers deep. Kirby was pretty sure that Ned wasn't even his real name but, damn, the man paid him so...

(Even back then, with Miss Victoria and the portrait and so on. _Even_ back then.)

There was, however, a point in which Kirby had to concede and follow the damn old fool's lead: that Stern sonovabitch. Kirby hadn't expected the Fed—all nice suit and kind eyes that hid something gross and hungry and unwilling to change—to grill him so hard but, _dammit_ Ned! When a man flashes a damn badge, you fucking give him the footage, chewing-out be damned. Kirby would take Ned "I'm Not Mad, I'm Disappointed" Chicane over whatever the fuck Stern's issue was. At least Ned was honest with his feelings on the matter.

And Kirby could agree: _fuck_ Stern.

When he got an email—through _the Lamplighter's_ feedback mail—from the District Rangers Office, he froze. Had that _actually_ been a real Fed? Had he fucking _goofed_??? But the subject line cleared almost all the fear away.

_Almost_.

The body of the message did the rest.

" _Invite to a get-together. RSVP_ " The header said.

It read as such:

> _Kirby,_
> 
> _Hey there, it's Juno. I'm sure you've seen me hanging around Duck and, by unfortunate association, Ned. You tend to just chug stolen RCs and write your weird e-zine in the Cryptonomica. It's kinda endearing how dedicated you are to it._
> 
> _Whatever, it's late and I'm tired. Do you know a Pigeon Wilson? She's organizing a shindig and wants to invite you. Says something about how she "has answers about the weird shit in Kepler" and also that she's making Velveeta bean dip._
> 
> _She wants it to be a potluck but I'm in the air about it. She's still gonna make the dip though, so maybe eat lots of fiber if you don't wanna plug up after snacking._
> 
> _Anyway, sorry if the official email address gave you a fright. With that Stern guy about, it seems like everyone's on edge. But, whatever, I don't need to tell you that. You work with Ned "Totally Legitimate" Chicane. The mention of anyone with any sort of power above him sets him on edge._
> 
> _Please email me back at your earliest convenience. Not tonight though. I've got a killer caffeine hangover and I think, if I try to read, my eyes will slough out of my skull like squished grapes._
> 
> _Yours, Juno Divine_

Well Kirby sure as shit did know Juno. Duck aside, Juno lead the junior forest rangers for the longest time and Kirby was a spring chicken as far as she was concerned. Both she and Duck were about the same age and that was double his own, so she was... _memorable_ at least.

(The first and only female crush he ever got, to be honest. After that it was all dudes and the vague concept of being loved back. No ladies. Not for Kirby.)

But she was talking about Pigeon? Pigeon "Does Roswell Have Space Weed" Wilson? Pigeon, friends with "Bigfeets Can Talk To Dolphins Using Telepathy" Pete?!

He knew Pigeon. He just liked to not be around her. She was just... _a lot_.

And he couldn't always handle a lot.

(But if Juno thought—?)

_No_.

Kirby had been stressed beyond fucking belief about this new Mothman thing, never you mind fucking _Billy_ —that man looks far _too much_ like Ryan Gosling for it to be _any_ sort of coincidence—and that shit. Add Pigeon _and???_

Bullshit.

Too much. _Too too_ much.

(Even if Ned wouldn't tell him much about—)

And besides, what would he even do at this meeting?! "Hey there! I run a cheap crypto rag on the 'net and am just here coz I work with a complete weirdo." _Not_ a good look.

(Why was Billy the way he was and why—)

But there was just a niggling feeling of "I should be doing more" and "what is Ned doing?" and "something fucky is going on" but _but but—!_

But...

He opened up his email and started to type.

_Fuck it_. There were weirder things in his life than a cult. Weirder even than _Pigeon_.

> _Ranger Juno,_
> 
> _Sure. What time?_


	5. Keith, Hooligan Hornet and Scared Shitless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you breathe a word of this to anyone, I'll burn you from the inside out.
> 
> But he wants to know why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *shambles into frame, tired and smiling* hey y'all! Lemme say that one: episode 20 killed me to the point that Clint "Internet Dad" McElroy retweeted a thing I tweeted and now my TL is a disaster. So hi, I'm not dead.
> 
> Two: I've been branching out recently with my Not Another D&D Podcast crossovers and my current collection of selfsame NADDPOD UA/AU (promo promo promo) Luck Dictates. So if my TAZ shit takes forever to write, that's what's up. I'm listening to a million different Actual Play podcasts so my brain's a nuthouse.
> 
> Three: podcast recs? Arcs is a good one that came out recently. It's only 2 episodes so far, not counting episode 0, but it's gold. Two kids (a young wizard and the half-orc son of the Hero of Lore) join up with a gruff half-giant and go on a quest for a Hero Item and its...so good. The foley work is delightful and the production value is the best. They're so genuine and heartfelt, even only two episodes in.
> 
> So here you go! More very tired Juno, poor Keith (who I almost called Calvin many times whoops), and emails that are definitely written how one writes emails. Enjoy and remember that reviews make me more inclined to write more, as shitty as that seems.
> 
> Part and parcel of ADHD I guess...

Magic is real.

_If you breathe a word of this to anyone, I'll burn you from the inside out._

Monsters are real.

_If you breathe a word of this to anyone, I'll burn you from the inside out._

That Aubrey chick is magic and she can shoot fire from her hands and she knows _magic_ and she healed his leg and she can _do magic_ , like _real_ magic, not just stage shit.

_If you breathe a word of this to anyone, I'll burn you from the inside out._

But holy hot fucking shit this meant _so_ many things.

_One_ : Jake Coolice was _probably_ magic too, considering he was hanging out with her and she was so angry _at_ Keith _for_ him. Considering the name and the way the weather always got weird around him when they used to hang around together, ice? Snow? Cold? Magic though. _Fucking nuts_.

_Two_ : mothman? _Mothman_. Mothman is real coz he saw him but like Aubrey said he _wasn't_ but the goatmen _were_ and that's what broke his damn leg. So is mothman a joke or _not_? Could he trust that Aubrey chick or not? _Mothman_ though...

Maybe even Bigfoot, which meant that the shit that Chicane was selling down at the tourist trap he ran was _real_? Or _close_ to real?! Real- _adjacent_????

The Loch Ness monster?! The Jersey Devil?! What else isn't a lie that used to be????

_Three_ : his leg was healed faster than it should have. That meant, despite the surprise and uncertainty in her face when his skin sealed up and bone reset, that Aubrey was _good at magic_. That meant she could _very much_ hurt him. But she was _super_ goddamn magic. _Holy fucking shit_.

But at least the insurance premium was low. Minor abrasions, light scarring, and a bone-deep bruise. Not broken, just bruised. Cheap doctor visit though. _That's_ a blessing.

What's _not_ a blessing is the email he got that almost gave him a heart-attack. It's labeled from the Monongahela National Forestry offices, to Keith. _How did they know his name?!_ Wasn't one of the people that Aubrey chick was hanging with a Forest Ranger dude?! So did that mean she sicced him on him?!

But afraid or not, he opened it. The from tag said it's from some Juno Divine person and that doesn't mean jack to him, so?

He read it. _Of course_ he fucking did, he has a goddamn death wish.

The memory of heat on his leg hurts. He swallowed. He hummed to himself. _Fuck_. He was just putting off the inevitable.

He read the damn email.

> _Keith whatever your last name is,_
> 
> _I don't know if you're even gonna read this, considering you and the Hornets and the law and the like. In fact, I'm certain, sure as a bear shits in the woods, that you're just gonna dump it into the trash or what have you. So if you are reading this: nice._
> 
> _Pigeon Wilson, who you may not know but I'm almost obligated to mention her by name at this point, is gathering people who have an idea that shit's fucky in Kepler. Don't bother chastising me on my language, it's late, coffee's wearing off, and you're my least favorite person on this list. Also I'm using speech to text because I'm having trouble seeing the keyboard and my voice thing is pretty okay so I'm just yeah_
> 
> _Punctuation may be bad but I'm not gonna bother fixing it period no like a real period like the end of a sentence a full stop you dumbfuck machine shit goddamn_
> 
> _Anyway she's gunning for a meeting with people who've seen weird shit and says she has Velveeta bean dip to eat. Thursday. Seven PM. Bring food if you like. Or don't. But RSVP though. I'm not gonna bother with this machine any longer. I'm going to sleep._
> 
> _Whatever, Juno Divine_

_If you breathe a word of this to anyone, I'll burn you from the inside out._

He _wants_ to. He really, _really_ wants to. He wants to badly enough that he can feel the resurging burn in his leg. He wants to badly enough that he's vibrating. He wants to badly enough that he wants to answer but he's _so afraid._

_If you breathe a word of this to anyone, I'll burn you from the inside out._

So he breathes in. Breathes out. Then drafts a fast response before he has a chance to chicken out.

> _Miss Juno,_
> 
> _Fuck, man, but I can't. Not coz I don't wanna, coz I do, but coz I said I wouldn't talk about shit like this to other people. I promised, on threat of death. So I'm gonna pass._
> 
> _Keith_
> 
> _PS: Don't tell anyone I said anything. Please. I can't tell anyone about anything and if I do I'm in trouble._

Less than thirty minutes later, he got a reply. The alert tone set his teeth on edge.

> _Are you okay? Sorry if this seems wild or some sort of inappropriate considering my age and job and your age and lack thereof, but if you're in trouble I can probably help! I am, after all, a Government employee. Now that I'm awake and not running on caffeine and spite, I reread my email and your response and, sorry, but I'm worried? Things are weird, sure, but you're safe, right?_
> 
> _If you come it's not an admission of guilt or anything. You don't have to say a word about what you may or may not have seen. Just know the invite is there for you to accept or reject as you please. Don't let other people tell you what to do._
> 
> _Not a Miss, Juno Divine_

That was... _a relief_? Someone was concerned for him. _Yeah_ , relief.

He typed a fast response, _again_ , before he could second guess himself.

> _7PM on Thursday? Where?_
> 
> _I can pick up a subway platter_
> 
> _Keith_

His phone pinged a few minutes later and he copied the address.

_If you breathe a word of this to anyone, I'll burn you from the inside out._

Okay, so he _wouldn't_. Then she couldn't do a _damn_ thing!

_Fuck it._

YOLO, right?


	6. Juno Divine, Tired Team Mom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juno sends out an email.
> 
> Duck hits his shin on an endtable.
> 
> They both contemplate growing older.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in so little time! It's a fucking miracle!
> 
> This one is shorter coz it's a gentle shift from everyone being separate to everyone being together.
> 
> I love that everyone liked my Keith!!! I'm so glad! It means the world to me :3
> 
> Enjoy.

Juno breathed out with a long-suffering release of tension. Her shoulders fell, muscles uncoiling as she looked over the newly sorted folder of emails for Pigeon's little "get together". RSVP, she had asked and RSVP they did.

Calvin was in, bringing a couple of two liters of Coke and some Solo cups. She'd have to deal with Zeke but...fuck it. She was a _goddamn adult_.

Kirby was, _amazingly_ , on board. Wasn't bringing anything, but all this considered, at least he _responded_. _The Lamplighter_ hadn't even said a word about the sinkhole in the middle of town either. Something about this spooked him into deciding "cult" was a good idea. Like she was one to judge

Keith was...worrying but, _fuck_ man, she had been a rowdy kid once. His admission of fear and concern had raised _a million and one_ red flags and suddenly Juno found herself refreshing her email a dozen times over until she got a response that _didn't_ set her teeth on edge. He was coming. Cool. _Cool_.

(She still was worried but...out of all of them, only one was an Actual Adult. Calvin was in high school and Keith _should_ be in school but wasn't. So _she_ had to adult and she _hated_ it. Whatever. She'd live.)

Exhaling again and debating whether or not she wanted to run and get herself something to munch on—on one hand: _food_ , on the other: _people_ —Juno heard the door behind her open right up. Then she heard a hollow thud and Duck let out a high-pitched squeal.

"Hey Duck! You okay? Sounded like you hit your shin pretty hard."

" _Fucking goddammit_!" Even without turning around, the tears in his eyes were audible. Juno sucked on her teeth in sympathy.

"Rough night?" Off-handed, she pulled out a bottle of ibuprofen and slid it across the desk towards Duck. He caught it and slammed the bottle down to nurse his injured leg.

" _You could say that_." He sounded... _resentful_ in a way. If that even made sense.

_Whatever_ , she had other things to worry about. Namely Pigeon and _that_ nonsense. And _Keith_. And _Calvin_. The _whole_ kit and kaboodle.

He pulled up the chair next to her and exhaled steam off the top of the coffee she hadn't realized he was carrying. And _holy shit_ , he looked like _absolute_ trash. Juno bit back on her immediate desire to snap out a witty joke at his expense. He looked like he would take her head off at the shoulders if she did, so, yanno...

_If you can't say nothing nice_ and so on.

"How 'bout _you_?" Duck asked. _God_ , he was croaky, the bags under his eyes almost IKEA-sized, skin was matted with the remnants of a rough sweat, and his hair was tangled beyond belief. "Rough night as well? You burned through th'coffee I brought."

"It was good coffee. Got me through the grind," she offered. It wasn't an answer, not really. It didn't matter though. " _Thanks_."

" _God_ ," he exhaled, knocked back his coffee, and winced, "wish I knew where the kids got their weed. Could _super_ go for a joint right now."

" _That bad?_ " Juno laughed, once, surprised. Wild ol' Duck, back in their school days, was fond of giving the middle finger to the man but older Duck, Ranger Duck Newton, was straight-laced. Hearing him sorta backslide like that was... _unusual_. "Coz I know a guy..."

"I'll pass. Wish fulfilment mostly." She didn't expect him to take her up on the offer, so she wasn't surprised. "I don't think my lungs can take getting high nowadays. Barely can handle the odd cig or two, so I don't think weed would sit well with me."

"Not even the kindest of weed?" Juno teased.

"Not even if the bowl baked me cookies and offered to do my homework for the week." Duck deadpanned. _God_ she missed his dry wit.

" _Boo_ , you narc."

"We're getting older, Juno. We gotta get _some_ sort of adult disease. Mine just happens to be narc-syndrome."

"Better that than Weed Dad Duck. I think _that_ version of Duck might smother me in my sleep."

"So what adult disease did you get?" He tilted his cup at her. Then he uncapped the bottle of ibuprofen and took seven pills. Juno winced. _Yikes_.

Juno glanced at her email. "Team Mom-itis."

"Woe befall _all_ of us, that _Juno Divine_ is Team Mom."

_Fair. **Fair**_.

They fell in a comfortable silence, Juno typing out a quick message to Pigeon while Duck flipped through the reports for the day.

> _Pigeon,_
> 
> _Got most of them done. Kirby is coming for sure. I have to pick up Calvin and come up with some sort of excuse for Zeke so thanks for that. Calvin is bringing two Cokes with him as well as cups. Keith said he'd grab a subway platter on his way in but he may not participate per se. Don't ask. I didn't say. He won't say. Don't even bother._
> 
> _No one else said anything so I guess that's it. Everyone's swinging by on Thursday. Please be dressed. Shirt and pants minimum, Wilson. Don't sass me._
> 
> _Also: maybe give me more time to figure out shit before you ask this big of a favor, yeah? A week does not good planning make._
> 
> _Yours, Juno_

Behind her, Duck let out a beleaguered sigh. " _Fuck_."

"You _sure_ you're alright buddy?"

"No. M'not _sure_ of much nowadays."

" _Shit_ , man!" Fucking midlife crises, _right_? "Wanna get some soup?"

Duck's eyes crinkled as he smiled. Some of the weight on his shoulders seemed to alleviate. " _Fuck yeah_. Just lemme grab my board and we can go."

"Duck, _buddy_? Just get in my truck. You'd be lost without me. Don't mind the old rock though. _You_ don't get to judge me on my music tastes."

The weight was back but, that's fine. They're fine. _It's fine._

Juno's phone pinged, an email alert.

She'll read it later. Duck needs her.

God she really _was_ getting old.

As they drove off to get food, _Tom Sawyer_ started up and Duck laughed so hard he cried. Same old same old.


	7. Pigeon Wilson, Moonbat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first meeting.
> 
> Moonbat. Moonbat. Moonbat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More Pigeon. More stuff. More plot-ish!
> 
> Damn if 22 didn't kill me. Cool. Thanks for that good Mundane move Justin! Fucked me right up. And Clint?! And Griffin?!!!! Dead!!!!!
> 
> Anyway: 21/22 filtered Keith right the hell out. Sorry buddy but you snitched. Can't have snitches in the Normal People. Pbbbbth. It's understandable, but ya basic! Get on out! Sit in the corner and think about what you've done. Time out. Bad Keith! Bad!
> 
> This took forever to write. Sorry y'all. But it's done. I noodles and noodles and finally just figured out it was about as done as it was getting.
> 
> Don't expect any real plot. It won't happen. No plot confirmed.
> 
> Enjoy.

Pigeon adjusted her hat, made sure her flannel had the "socially appropriate" number of buttons done up, and checked to see if the dip was burning. Then she waited.

It would be easy to tell, from a small glance, that Pigeon Wilson was _not_ a patient person. With every tick of the clock on her wall— _excruciatingly_ loud and slow—her teeth clenched more and more and _more_. Her fingernails, blunted from many hours of worried gnawing, drummed out a rapid and seemingly nonsensical rhythm. She kept pacing back and forth, eyes on the clock but not really coz she's not worried, _nope_! _Not_ worried! _Fuck it!_

So when the doorbell rang, she _totally_ didn't jump up and almost trip over her own feet on the way there. And she _didn't_ nearly twist her ankle _neither_.

On the other side of her door was Juno Divine and Calvin Owens; both looking uncomfortable and each holding a bag with something in them. Pigeon threw it wide open, grinning madly.

" _Juno_! _Calvin_! How're y'all _doing_?!" She ignored the way her heart hammered against her teeth and her pulse screamed through her veins.

" _Pretty_ decent," Juno smiled and Pigeon felt her breathing let up a bit. Something about her drew anxiety and vitriol from Pigeon's very soul. _Also_ she was attractive.

_Fuck_ , Juno was _attractive_.

"Any trouble findin' th'place?"

"You'd be hard-pressed to _miss_ it. You've got a _pretty big flag_ up front, for someone who lives in a mobile." Calvin, deadpan as always, looked aside at Pigeon's pride flag. " _S'gay_."

" _Very_!" Pigeon preened. Juno laughed.

" _Very funny_ ," Calvin rolled his eyes and, _fuck man_ , had she ever been _that_ much of an ass as a teen? Is that just how teenagers _are_? Is _this_ why her momma was so up at arms about her attitude? "Now, you gonna let us in? It's cold as _shit_ out here and I don't wanna freeze to death before I get my organs harvested."

Pigeon looked at Juno, who stiffened and looked _very pointedly_ anywhere _but_ at her. " _Organs_?"

" _Kids_ , amirite?!" Juno bustled Calvin inside, past Pigeon, laughing in a way that meant she was nervous and hiding something and holy fuck she had a nice laugh!

" _Y-yeah_?" _Weird_. She wasn't gonna push it though. Not now. She had _other_ things t'worry 'bout.

Like _monsters_ and _moonbats_ and _staying_ in a town she liked.

Calvin slapped down the Cokes and ripped into the package of Solo cups, taking no time in pouring himself a large cup. Then he slouched on Pigeon's futon, crossing one leg over the other, and waited with a pointed impatience that radiated outward. Pigeon floundered in the oppressive silence as Juno unbagged a large pre-made cake as quietly as one could with those hellish packages.

" _So_..."

" _So_?" Calvin raised an eyebrow and took a sip of Coke. His shoulders were rigid, despite his lounging position, and he looked like he wanted to bolt at any second but was tolerating it only for Juno's sake.

_God_ , fucking _same_ lil' man.

"You, _uh_ , _okay_? I heard you had an, _um_ , run in with the, _uh_ , thing that trashed _H2Whoa That Was Fun!_?" He tightened further, coiling in on himself like a taut bowstring. His hands shook slightly. _Fuck_ , she shouldn't've said that.

He gave Pigeon a very crooked, very fake grin, "I think I'll wait to pass judgement 'till _after_ the cult meeting."

She was reminded of Pete. The hunched way he sat, the grim set of his teeth. The dark eyes. Guarded and angry. _Teenager_ for sure but something _more_.

_Pigeon shut your **damn fool mouth** you dumb bitch._

Juno peeled back into the sitting area and claimed Pigeon's recliner. Almost immediately after that, someone knocked on her front door. Pigeon flashed Calvin an apologetic smile and threw the door open. It was Kirby and, ironically enough, _Keith_.

"C'mon _in_ y'all!" She gestured to the kitchen area, grinning broadly. "You're the last of 'em! _Thank god..._ "

Keith looked, for lack of a better word, _wiped_. The bags under his eyes had bags and so on for infinity. Even as he entered her home, arms pulled in around himself, he seemed like he was clocking every entrance and exit so he could run if he felt he needed to. And when he breathed, shallow and quick, pain lanced across his face and his mouth pinched shut to keep it in. Though he had a large bag with a _Subway_ logo on it, which he set on the kitchen table.

Poor kid.

_Don't ask. He won't say._

Juno was right to be worried about him.

_Fuck_ , man, she was _almost_ his age! He shouldn't be _this_ beat down and afraid!

_Kirby_ , on the other hand, had a bottle of _Tums_ in one hand and a notebook in the other, pen tucked behind his ear. He looked less worn out than Keith, but not by much. Less terrified for his life and more sleepless nights, but points aside, tired as _fuck_.

Kirby flashed a weak smile, nodded his head at Keith, who entered, and followed behind him. "You a'ight, Pidge?"

"Th'hell you get off callin' me Pidge?" Pigeon stood on her tippy-toes and ruffled his hair.

"You and Pete fund _the Lamplighter_ almost fully between the two of you. I can call you _whatever_ I damn well please!" Kirby laughed and that was enough. Keith wandered over to the Coke, poured himself a cup, and leaned against the wall behind Juno.

He trusts her, insofar as he trusts _anyone_ here.

That's _sad_.

Kirby nodded at Calvin. " _Owens_ ," he said, gesturing to the Solo cup, "you drinking anything your dad'll kill Juno over?"

"Nope. _Just_ a Coke." Calvin took a long sip and maintained dry eye contact, daring him to say anything. They already seemed to have a decent rapport. That was good.

Juno smiled at Keith. Nothing more, nothing less. Good? Bad? Maybe? Who knows...

Pigeon took a deep breath. It was very tense but this was important. They needed to help Ranger Duck and his folks. They needed to _save_ Kepler.

"Y'all ready to have your damn minds blown? Coz I'm gonna fucking just destroy your worldview." Pigeon swallowed heavily, _deep breaths, calm down._

"Did you find the Mothman?" Kirby asked.

Juno and Calvin stifled laughter. Keith looked _more_ uncomfortable, if that was possible?

Pigeon rolled her eyes. " _Ha ha_. Assholes." The levity helped. It helped. It _helped. Breathe_. "So y'all noticed th'sinkhole that damn near took out part of the town, _yeah_?" Everyone muttered words of assent. Keith shrank in on himself. Good? _Bad_? "And before that, the disaster at _H2Whoa That Was Fun!_?" More murmurs and nods, _Calvin_ looking uncomfortable now. "And two months before that, there was that bear that almost killed me n' Pete, but it's gone now." Juno sat up now, looking _super_ interested. Strange.

_Keep on keeping on Pigeon. Finish your story. Tell them. Get their help._

Moonbat. _Moonbat. **Moonbat.**_

"All of them are _related_. _All_ those things what wrecked Kepler have been dealt with and, well, I know _who's_ doing it." _Deep breaths. You promised but this is **important**. Better to ask for **forgiveness** than **permission**. He'll understand._

Moonbat. Move out. _Moonbat_.

"See, the day before _H2Whoa_ exploded, one Ranger Duck Newton came to me with a request and a whole lotta secrets. Said he was violating some sorta statute and several laws of secrecy askin' me for help but he needed someone to shut off the water there. Said that once every couple'a'months, about the full moon, somethin' nasty shows up. And, when it shows up, Ranger Duck and his friends whom y'all may know—Ned Chicane and Aubrey Little—get rid of them." No one says a word. No one moves. No one breathes.

She _has_ to continue on.

_Please please please believe me._

"Ned and Aubrey and Duck took out the bear thing. I was there for the water monster; cut it off from running and, while I didn't see what happened, I know Ned finished it. I don't know what made the snow and the sinkhole, but it's gone. It's dead. It _has_ to be. And there isn't much longer til the next one and I don't know if I can't do nothing again.

" _See_ ," she took a deep breath again, "there's folks out there like Stern, that fucking Fed, who're gonna try and get in the middle of things and fuck it all up. And there's folks out there who might try and play the hero but the night after th'bear, all three of them were in the hospital for _days_! Ned _damn_ near broke his neck helping Leo! And I'm sure there've been other things we haven't noticed _but—!_ " Pigeon broke off, worked up beyond belief. She could feel her chest hammering harder and harder. She wanted them to _believe_ her. She _needed_ it. She was certain that Juno knew something but she couldn't be Pigeon "Moonbat" Wilson again! She couldn't _do_ that again!

She _liked_ it here. She liked these people. She liked _her job_.

She didn't want to _have_ to leave again.

She didn't _want_ to go.

"Ned came for my help too, the day before _H2Whoa_." Pigeon focused on Calvin, voice small and tired and scared. He fiddled with his hoodie strings and his cup was placed on a coaster on the end table. "An' I was scared. The thing you helped kill? The water monster? It almost _drowned_ me and...it was hunting me. Ned came by and told me the truth. Said it was gonna try and sniff me out and that, coz it tried to get him too, we could use ourselves as _bait_. So he lied to my dad and I snuck out." He took a shuddering breath. "I drove his car down by the river and he made a lotta noise. Waved around a _Nyarf_ gun and then...it was there. It saw us and wanted to _get_ us and I was _so scared_ but Ned shot it and it wasn't a dart but like, _light_ , and he scared it off. He needed to put himself in danger to get its attention and it worked and I was _so_ scared. _Still am..._ "

" _Calvin—_ " Juno tried.

"But he told me, in that way he does everything, loud and proud and not shakin' in his boots at all, that I faced down a monster so I could _swim_. I faced down a monster and he _hurt_ it so I didn't have to worry coz _they_ —Ned n'his friends—would _take care of it_. And I was so scared _then_ and I'm _still_ scared now, even though I'm _damn_ sure the thing's dead! I _can't_ —you _gotta_ understand I can't fight a monster! Water _scares_ me and I still wanna swim but the sound of water moving makes me stop and freak out and I'm so terrified. I'm terrified and Jenny says I got PTSD but that's a _soldier's_ disease and I'm _not_ a soldier and also how do you tell a head shrink that you can't take a bath coz a water monster almost drowned you when you were practicing?!" He was rising in pitch, in volume, in terror. Calvin was panicking now, body shaking. Like Pete had when he got back.

_So long as that nasty-nasty fuck is out there, I'm gonna-gonna stay inside!_

_Just_ like Pete.

Calvin continued, shaking, "If this club is gonna be monster hunting then _fuck off_! I _can't_! _You can't make me!_ "

_I don't-if there's Bigfeets out there, they can just fuck off!_

So similar. So _so_ similar.

Someone believed her.

Maybe she _wasn't_ a moonbat.

_Goddamn_ that was a selfish fucking thought.

Juno, thankfully, acted first. She was on her knees right in front of him, eye level. "Calvin, can I touch you?" He didn't answer. " _Calvin_ , can you tell me five things you see? Think about it for me. Five things you can see."

Calvin shook, body quaking, but he spoke slowly and softly. "I can see Pigeon's tatty carpet. I can see Kirby's ugly shoes. I can see—can see _my_ hands? I can see my jeans...they need a wash _I guess_. I can see your face, lookin' all sad and shit. That's five?" Juno nodded. Calvin exhaled again, deeper, more even.

"You need t'keep goin' or are you good?" Calvin shook his head. Juno smiled at him, calm, happy. "Okay. Need a refill?" Again, a shake. "Okay. Want some cake or a sub?" Shake. "Okay. Yeah, so, _that_ was a panic attack. You have them often?" Slow, quiet nod. " _Okay_. That helped Duck when he got real bad when we were younger. Used to have all sorts a'bad dreams that would wake him up hard, screaming hard about death and demons and shit. Needed t'learn how to center himself so I learned for him."

Silence swept the room. _Damn_ , Pigeon was glad for Juno. She was a godsend. A _goddess_.

Then Kirby spoke up. He was louder than Cavin had been, but more steady. Calmer. More _even_.

"Ned thinks he's hot shit, king of liars and shit. He's _not_." He swallowed. "I've known that Ned and Duck and Aubrey were up to something for a long time. They aren't _subtle_ , ironically enough, so I've heard things. Heard them and wrote them down. Words like ' _Silvane_ ' and ' _abomination_ ' and ' _full moon_ ' and so on. And one day, during the whole shit with the snow and the funicular and Leo's, he brings home this dude—swear to _god_ , damn dude looks _spot on_ like Ryan Gosling—named Billy. Only says a few words, eats trash, makes goat noises. Ned has him sleeping in the ' _Nomica_ and has me babysitting the dude. And when I asked about him, cagey fuck swears up and down the dude is just a celebrity look-alike and that he's 'developmentally disabled'. _Lies_ all the way down."

That was— _was_ —! More? No, _better_! _Worse?!_ All this was different but—?

She _wouldn't_ —?!

Kirby tested the room for a bit longer, reading the air. Then he continued. " _I_ edited that Bigfoot footage. That shit was _super_ fucking real. I don't know _what_ Ned found but it's scary. I don't think we should get involved but...I'm _just a dude_ and y'all're _all_ sorts of other folks but...if it fucked up _Calvin_ like it did, is probably's what's keeping _Pete_ out of town, and _whatever_ that fucking sinkhole is, well, that's danger _normal folk_ don't need to worry with. That's why _the Lamplighter_ is all cryptids that do almost no harm. No myths of maneaters. Just Mothmans and Bigfeet. Propaganda for the _Cryptonomica_. Not... _whatever_ this shit is." He stared at all of them in turn; Calvin, Juno, Keith, and Pigeon. "This is _dangerous_."

Juno shifted in the silence. Bated breath. Then she stood up, found her way back to the recliner, and reclined. "Something's up with Duck. I've known the damn fool since we were knee-high to a grasshopper and he's... _not_ doing great." She bit her lip, worried at it, and started up again. "He's hurting more than usual. _Complainin_ ' more than usual. _Tired_ more than usual. All of it started the day you started the fire in the woods and near shot him, Pidgeon." Pigeon blushed, hard, red heating her cheeks. "He was hangin' out more with Ned than usual n'also Aubrey. Good kid," she added with a smile. "But he started callin' out and rushing off to do weird shit and he started t'wear that fucking odd belt of his and workin' out a bit and damn if I didn't notice. But that's my buddy Duck, and we go way back and I love him like a brother but he's a dumb motherfucker and a _bad_ liar.

"The day the funicular fell, Duck tried to keep me from gettin' on it. Him n'Ned n'Aubrey come running full-tilt and try t'evacuate the damn thing. Looked right spooked but it fell. Ned T-boned his damn Lincoln into the side of it to stop it from killing Mark. But they _knew_. _They knew_ it was gonna fall and _they knew_ it was bad." She shifted in her seat. Everyone held on to her every word. Enrapt. Enthralled. "The day before the sinkhole, Duck grabbed some nails out of a tree stump all thoughtful like, said something about copper killing trees, and pocketed them. Didn't think I noticed, but I _did_. Then the sinkhole and then he's _different_. Tired. Hurting. Angry. _Empty_." Almost as if it was an afterthought, Juno leaned forward and propped her head up in her hands on her knees. "Did you know that Duck's eyes are both brown?"

" _Fuck off_!" Pigeon didn't mean to curse like that but no, he had heterochromia! "One's green!"

"They _were_. Both are brown now. Dunno what that means, but it's _something_." Juno leaned back and continued. "So, uh, one last thing I noticed, coz, um, it's something, but...Crooked Bend? Where Pidge said Duck said they offed the bear thing? Place was burnt t'fuck. Aubrey, Mama, Ned, and Duck all had smoke inhalation when the hospital got 'em. But in the center of what looked like a smart trap using oil and fire—concentric rings keeping it inside and afraid—was a charred body and it definitely weren't a bear."

Revelations. Pigeon wasn't afraid now. They believed her. _They believed her!_

Well...save for Keith, who had been quiet the whole time. Quiet and afraid.

Juno noticed Pigeon's glance over at Keith and shook her head. _If he's ready_ , her eyes said. _If and **only** if._

"I don't want us to hunt monsters," Pigeon assured the lot of them—she wanted them to be friends but associates would work—with gentle hands, "coz I saw them work firsthand and _no thanks_ , but I think we can do _something_. We normal folk can keep other folk out of danger while Ranger Duck and his lot do their work and keep us all safe. They don't gotta worry 'bout that fed if we work behind the scenes to cover their trails. We can quietly herd the normal folks away from the danger. We can be help without helping upfront!

"Wha'd'you say?" Yes? _Yes_? _Please_ say yes! Don't run me out! Don't run away! _Please don't—!_

"I can't _not_ do this," Juno said. She almost scared the shit out of Pigeon with how fast she answered her question. "Help folks? And damn if this doesn't fucking _help folks_."

Pigeon felt her heart skip a beat. Be still. _Be still. **Be still**._

"I guess I'm in the shit anyway. _Sure_ , fuck it." Kirby shrugged, rolling his eyes. "Ned's my boss anyway. Not like I can avoid it. Hide in plain sight and so on."

_Two_. Two folks. Two helpers. Thank God _thank God **thank God.**_

Calvin shifted, concerned. Juno gave him a patient smile. "You don't have to if you—"

"I want to help." He interrupted. His leg jiggled rapidly, nervously. He was full of nervous energy. "I dunno how good a teen'll be? But I can gather gossip and listen t'my dad holler, and all." He wasn't hopeful, but Calvin sure looked _something_.

Almost _almost **almost.**_

Only Keith.

_Let him be. Let him take his time._

He's afraid. _Scared_. For some reason.

Keith refused to meet their eyes. That's fine. ( _It's not_.) He gripped at his leg. ( _Why that leg? Why?_ ) He looked pale and sweaty. ( _Fear? Pain? Guilt?_ )

What was going on in his head?

Eventually he shook his head. Pigeon swallowed her disappointment. "I'm sorry but I _can't_. I—I said I'd give it a try and...I can't. Not _won't_ , mind you, but like... _can't_. Sorry..."

"S'a'ight. You're good." Juno smiled at him, so sincere, so damn cute, and Pigeon swooned. "Thank you for coming."

"We got a name for this cult?" Calvin asked.

This gave Pigeon pause. She stared blankly at him. He raised an eyebrow in challenge. "I dunno," she shrugged.

" _Kepler Secret Society_?" Juno offered.

"Already exists," Kirby refuted. He chuckled at Pigeon's squawk of surprise. "What about _Kepler Normal People's Society_?"

"Why _that_?" Pigeon pressed, petulant, but interested.

"Well," Kirby drawled, "Ned and his folks are already doing the hard work. They're the secret, right? But we're just normal folks but we're keeping their secret. So let's just be normal. _Kepler Normal People's Society_. Normal people doing normal things, keeping Kepler normal as shit. No monsters here. Shoosh. Just us normal people!"

"Come try a fine vintage," Calvin added, smirking.

Juno shot him a disgruntled frown, " _Hey now._ "

"Memes and weed," he shot back.

Pigeon was lost. The good kind, though.

"To the _Normal People_!" Pigeon toasted with a Coke.

The others—save for Keith, who let himself out with a soft apology and a "keep the subs"—toasted back.

It was great to be believed. To be accepted. To be okay.

To be a _Normal Person_.

To have a plan.


	8. Kirby, Confused

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Ned Chicane doesn't kill himself, Kirby will.
> 
> Goddamn that man had no idea how to do anything halfway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want y'all to know that I didn't write this for such a long time and all I had was the title and the first two paragraphs in my word file. It made for a cryptic fucking surprise, I'll tell you that much.
> 
> So I took a look at this cryptic nonsense and thought, "what would have fucked Kirby up that badly?" And then, "probably Billy." And there we go.
> 
> Again, plot? No plot, I'm sure. Shoosh.
> 
> (I am a human disaster.)

What the fuck?!

What the _actual_ human fuck?!

Kirby was losing his _goddamn_ mind.

Never you mind the fact that Ned— _damn_ that man with every breath he could muster, _damn_ that man with every beat of his heart—was sitting there looking like nothing was wrong. Ned was prone to lying. Kirby fucking _knew_ that. He worked for the old fool.

_No_ ; the reason Kirby was losing his _goddamn_ mind was because _the Cryptonomica_ had been robbed and Ned wasn't _losing his shit_.

"Aight, mind running that by me again Ned? _One more time_ , coz I swear _to fuck_ it sounded like you said that someone broke in to the goddamn _'Nomica_ in the middle of the fucking night and stole _everything_ valuable in your inner sanctum? _Is that right?!_ " Now Kirby knew why Mama, the woman that Pigeon _swore_ was leader of Duck's monster hunting crew, looked like she was gonna have a damn _aneurysm_ all the time.

If Ned acted like this around her, she probably had eternal headaches.

_He_ was about to get one.

"I didn't _stutter_ , did I?" Ned, the fool, stroked his beard as he explained. "Last night, after closing time, someone broke into the Sanctum and _stole_ from me! _Not to worry_ though," he tried to assuage him, "it's all personal items! _Nothing_ I can't get back." Then Ned muttered something under his breath that sounded remarkably like, " _if I can get my hands on his thick fucking neck._ "

"And this isn't _anything_ I need to worry about? _Even though_ some of the Sanctum items have _literally_ funded rent a couple months in a row?!" Kirby's voice didn't crack. Nope. _Fuck_. _Fuck fuck fuck_.

He _needed_ this job. Needed this _place_. Needed Ned to _not_ lose his _goddamn fucking cash cow_ in the middle of dry season for tourists _right_ after a _sinkhole opened up in downtown_!

_Fuck!_

Ned smiled that shitty, _shitty_ smile of his—eyes crinkling and mouth turning up even though his eyebrows pinched in a decidedly upset fashion—and waved one hand dismissively. "Friend Kirby," _oh don't you 'friend Kirby' me you old coot_ , "I wouldn't worry about _the Cryptonomica_. With the revenue increase from _Saturday Night Dead_ as well as the way that Kepler has been drawing attention as of late," _because three quarters of the downtown area is below ground_ , "we'll be _fine_! Just keep writing your little stories," _fuck you_ , "and don't burn the place down while you're here!"

Kirby kept his hands close to his legs, clenched fists so that Ned couldn't see how _damn_ infuriated he was with his blasé attitude, and gritted his teeth in a bare bones smile. "And _what_ of the lost items? Will they just _show up_?! Or will _Bigfoot_ drop them off at our doorstep in a gift wrapped packages?!" He hadn't meant to snap so hard but—could he just take _something_ seriously?!

Ned scoffed, a huff of laughter as he pulled back in surprise and... _something else_? "I certainly _hope_ not. The _Bigfoot_ thing," he explained, "not the rest. I have a plan and I _need_ you to trust me here. Don't worry about the Sanctum items, Kirby. _I've got this_."

_That_ drew the venom right out of Kirby, deflating the irritation inside his chest. The sincerity of Ned's statement coupled with the fact that he didn't bother to use his normal append of 'friend' was _supremely_ odd. Even when he was sincere, Ned was light and airy. Not as heavy as he sounded there.

Ned was asking Kirby to _trust him_. Ned was asking for Kirby to _let it go_ in the most direct way possible.

He _had_ to honor that request.

Kirby sighed. " _Fine_. Now go do _whatever_ you have planned while I keep the _'Nomica_ from falling apart in your abscence. And don't get your ass knocked out by any rogue _Pizza Hut_ signs, kay?"

"I make _no_ such promises!" Ah, _there_ he was. _Same old Ned_. "Be _safe_ , friend Kirby."

"What's gonna happen? Is _some_ spookum gonna _get_ me?" He tried to play off his nerves but Ned leaned closer and his heart leapt to his throat. " _Fine_...I promise."

" _Good boy_ ," Ned patted Kirby's cheek and turned on his heel. "Now take care of Billy, won't you?"

It wasn't a request. Kirby shrugged at his retreating form. " _Sure!_ " He at least owed him _that_ much.

The bell at the front of _the Cryptonomica_ rang as he left and Kirby relaxed. Behind him, Billy rustled around, struggling with the Tupperware of spaghetti that Ned left him. Kirby sighed and leaned back and held out his hand.

" _Pizza?_ " Billy asked in that weird way he did that sounded like a goat bleating.

"Bring it here, man. I can help." Even if he couldn't _see_ Billy, he could hear the Ryan Gosling look-alike stumble to his feet and totter over to him. Then he felt Billy drop the Tupperware in his hand.

"Pizza!" Billy said.

"Yeah, _yeah_ ," Kirby popped open the container and handed it back, "don't choke, man."

" _Pizza!_ " Billy said in agreement? It was hard to tell with him.

As he pulled away to eat his food, Billy's watch came off in Kirby's hand and his gait changed. Instead of the soft clicking of his shoes, there was a scattered, harder clicking noise. Confused, Kirby turned to hand Billy his watch and froze mid-movement.

Coz there was a _goat-man_ eating _spaghetti_ a few feet away from Kirby. His wide eyes flicked up to meet Kirby's gaze, then down to the watch in his slack grip. Then the goat-man swallowed and gave a goat approximation of a grin.

" _Duck?_ " It bleated.

_Oh_.

Oh _fuck_.

"Yeah, _c'mere_ man." Kirby tried to keep the fear out of his voice. He gestured for the thing that was _probably_ Billy to come back within arm's reach and tried to give him an approving smile. "Gotta keep this thing from falling off, _yeah_?"

"Duck!" The thing that was _for sure_ Billy nodded and moved closer, holding out his hand for the watch.

"Was it loose or did I just get unlucky? _Or_ ," Kirby mused as he fumbled with the latch system of Billy's watch, "is it just _covered in pizza grease?!_ "

" _Pizza_ ," Billy bleated apologetically. For a goat-man, he _sure_ could emote.

" _Wash your hands_ dude. If this watch doesn't need to run, keep the band clean!" Kirby managed to get it back on Billy's wrist and closed it. As the watch clasped closed, Billy's form flickered and went back from strange goat-man to Ryan Gosling look-alike—which made more sense if Billy was a goat-man in disguise instead of _actually_ just a mentally disabled celebrity look-alike. Kirby let out a pent-up sigh. "I'm gonna teach you how to use a fork and napkins and shit. _Don't_ let me forget it."

Billy nodded once, his face stern and serious.

"Aight. Now go finish your food before it gets cold." Billy scrambled off and Kirby pulled up his computer, opening his mail browser. He started writing an email to the Normal People, mouth pinched in frustrated confusion.

> _Hey all,_
> 
> _Does anyone have any idea how to teach a sentient goat-man how to eat with utensils? Asking for a friend._
> 
> _In other news: if anyone sees some expensive looking shit being sold around town, please shoot me a message. Some jackass stole from the 'Nomica and Ned's being flaky about it so fuck knows what that means._
> 
> _(It means he knows something and isn't telling me and, considering how serious our conversation got this morning, it's probably not a monster hunting thing.)_
> 
> _One last thing though. You know how I said Billy looks like Ryan Gosling? That's on purpose. Don't take his watch off. I think I may have lost a few years off my life._
> 
> _He's the aforementioned goat-man. Because, I'm assuming, one of the three monster hunters has a bad sense of humor and named a goat-man with a limited vocabulary after a fairy tale goat. Scared the right piss out of me._
> 
> _Anyway, I'll keep y'all updated on Billy and Ned's nonsense._
> 
> _Keep Kepler Weird,_  
>  _Kirby_


	9. Calvin Owens, Terrified

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zeke Owens came home Tired with a Capital T and Calvin is scared.
> 
> They're only Normal People, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heading into this arc. The most recent one, wherein I call the Abomination Particle Man because I'm a nerd and it makes me happier than Mimic or Doppelganger.
> 
> Calvin is just a kid. I want him to be okay but...after Dewey and all...
> 
> I'm worried.
> 
> (I mean, I trust Griffin and all, but he's not above killing characters in this one. I just don't want this kid to die. I'm attached dammit!)
> 
> Warning for blood and panic attacks and some mentions of It. The movie, that is. The movie It. I draw some parallels for the water monster using Pennywise's Deadlights.

Zeke Owens, Calvin's dad, ain't the easiest person to get along with. Hell, he _lives_ with him, and even _Calvin_ has a hard time as they come and go. But no one would ever wish pain on Zeke, coz he's just trying his damndest.

So when he came home that night, eye bags about as deep as Keith's had been that first Normal People meeting, Calvin was _immediately_ on high alert. Ears open for nuggets of info, eyes scanning every little movement his dad made, trying to find the truth inside the lies; Calvin was doing recon for the Normal People. He needed to be the mole in the force.

"You okay?" Calvin asked. His dad just walked into the living room and threw himself bodily into the _La-Z-Boy_ with a weary sigh. " _Dad?_ "

Zeke Owens didn't answer. Calvin's anxiety spiked.

( _The water is cold and dark, smell of chlorine and night. It wraps around his ankle and pulls pulls pulls and he sees the light inside this monster that—_ )

Calvin took a deep breath, counting down from five, then exhaled. It helped.

Juno helped.

"Did anyone die?" He asked. He can see the blood on his dad's uniform, dried and flakey. He can see the cold sweat on his brow. He can see the sloppy way his pants sat, belt askew as if he had shucked off his bandoleer and weapons in a hurry. He can see his dad's worn shoelaces, trodden upon in mud and dirt. He can see the way he shakes, worrying and drawn deep on himself. Five things. He is here.

The panic passed. Slow, like molasses, but it _passed_.

Zeke sat up, slowly, like an old anamatronic. Like the shitty old Chucky in the run-down _Chuck-E-Cheese_ downtown. Then he met Calvin's gaze and oh fucking god he was tired. Capital T Tired. "Cal," he said and his voice was a croak, a rasp, a worried sandpaper scream, " _promise_ me you'll stay home after dark? No...meetin your friends an' doin' teen...shit. Promise me you'll stay home and be safe and _not_ —"

"Are they okay, dad?" He didn't want to confront the fear in his dad's voice. The fear in his gaze. The worry in his stance.

"Most of them are fine." Zeke replied. _Finally_ , an answer. "But it _ain't_ pretty, Cal. You—you _can't_ see it, coz I can't—I can't tell you how many folks at the precinct got sick lookin'. You gotta... _promise me, Cal_."

"I _promise_." He lied. Well, no, not a lie. Not _wholly_. He wouldn't _try_ to put himself in danger but with the Normal People, it was hard to tell. "You wanna talk? _Can_ you talk?"

Zeke shook his head once. In the Owens household, they didn't often talk about their feelings but—

After _H2Whoa_ and the Normal People and so on, Calvin had been asking and Zeke didn't say _stop_.

"Aight dad. Wanna beer?" Zeke shook his head again. "Then get your ass to bed. The world'll keep on turnin' and _I'm_ sure as shit run down. I'm gonna save my work and head to sleep myself." He patted his dad on the shoulder and nodded. " _Night_."

"Night Cal." But Zeke didn't get up. Not that Calvin could see.

Calvin pulled out his desk chair and opened his email client. They needed to be ready. They needed to be aware.

If he was upset, if his dad was _Tired_ like that, then it was bad.

> _Normal Folks,_
> 
> _Dad came home and looked right fucked up. Late night call and all. I didn't hear sirens or nothing but it had to have been bad. He won't talk about it but he asked me to stay home when it got dark._
> 
> _Spreading the word is smart. Please do that._
> 
> _Said folks at the precinct got sick at the sight of it so it's gonna be on the news for sure._
> 
> _Keep out of the dark. Carry something nonlethal to defend yourself. Buddy up. I think someone died._
> 
> _Dad had blood on his clothes._
> 
> _I don't wanna fight whatever this fucking thing is._
> 
> _Stay safe. Pass on the word. Goddamn but this one is bad, I think. If it already got someone, we gotta keep a mob from forming._
> 
> _I'll try and snag info from my friends. See what's on social media. I don't like this one, I think._
> 
> _Keeping my ear to the floor,_   
>  _Calvin_

It made him scared.

Not in the same way that the memory of the water monster did. Not in the same way that the offhand mentions of the other monsters did. This was real. His dad had seen the _bodies_ , had seen the _fallout_.

This was more real than before and that meant the Normal People would have to double down.

Is _this_ what had Keith so worried? Is _this_ what scared him bad enough to send him running from help, from like minds? Is _this_ what had Duck and Ned and Aubrey lying to everyone about monsters even existing?! Because they got _this bad_? Because they could _kill_? _Have_ killed?!

( _His lungs struggled under the pressure, eyes watering, worrying. He could see the light—not at the end of the tunnel, coz he needed breath, he wasn't dead yet—but his brain kept bringing up that Stephen King film It, the clown monster and it's Deadlights. You'll float too, his brain supplied, helpfully. You'll float too. We all float down here. And the light is inviting and his chest hurts and he and he and he—_ )

In, two, three, out, two, three. He can see the light on his monitor—not _that_ light no, not again. He can see the black light band poster he tacked to his wall. He can see his nails, bitten to the quick and bandaged up just as fast. He can see the spackle from when he punched a hole in the drywall and his dad made him patch it. He can see the flickering movement of his curtains in the early spring breeze.

He stood up, calmer now, and closed his window.

_Stay safe in the dark._

_Stay safe._

_God_ , he didn't want to fight monsters but—

He couldn't let other folks die either.


	10. Keith, Angry Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's kept his mouth quiet. Now his friends are dead.
> 
> He's not afraid of fire now. His dreams are haunted with blood and claws.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been wondering how to handle Keith for a bit and, after this last couple episodes, I've gotten a good idea.
> 
> Keith isn't to blame for telling Hollis. The scene in the Hornet's Nest was visceral and terrifying. People died. Of course he told Hollis. Of course they took over the Pineguard's duties as best they knew them. Of course it went to shit.
> 
> People died. Did they expect to be able to hide that when people saw the aggressor? Probably not. They don't have that kind of magic as far as we know.
> 
> So Keith isn't out of the loop but he doesn't participate. And then he does.
> 
> This is a direct sequel to the last one.
> 
> Warning: mentions of threats, violence, and the aftermath of a brutal attack by Particle Man wearing a twisted form of Dani.

They kept CCing him in the emails.

Keith didn't know _why_ they kept doing this but they did. Or, rather, _Juno_ did. It _had_ to be Juno coz Kirby didn't like the Hornets much, Calvin seemed inclined to honor his decision to not be party to shit like this, and Pigeon seemed a little too birdbrained to remember he existed.

_Anyway_ , they kept CCing him in the emails.

His inbox was flooded with emails to the group labeled "Normal People" and it was all cross-talk about various goings-on and weird phenomena. A manic email from Kirby about Billy being a goat-man—which set Keith's teeth on edge and made his leg hurt real fucking bad—followed by playful ribbing from Calvin, who took it about as seriously as one could expect.

> _Maybe he'll eat my homework if I ask nice. Mind passing the message along Kirby?_

Pigeon was excited, as she always was.

> _So that's why he looks so much like Ryan Gosling! Knew somethin was up!_

And Juno had words of wisdom for everyone, _especially_ the invisible Keith.

> _Keep an ear out for others like Billy. Duck knows what he is and his lying says there were more. I'm sure Billy's all well and good but who knows with the others._
> 
> _Goat-people, like people, can be unpredictable._

Then there was some talk between Pigeon and Juno—a response for something about Duck and his belt and _what do you mean it's a sword?!_ —about the next meeting and food.

> _May make that risotto Duck mentioned. Leo's is back open and he always has the good veggies I like._

Pigeon responded with an almost immediate email.

> _I look forward to it! Maybe I'll make something less paste-adjascent!_

To whit Juno answered,

> _Please do._

And then—!

_Calvin_.

That email the night of—

There was _so much blood_. So much _death_. So much wounded and angry Hornets.

Those monsters had kicked the Hornet's Nest and they were gonna get stung.

But Keith _couldn't_ be silent any more.

Not even if—

_If you breathe a word of this to anyone, I'll burn you from the inside out._

He couldn't just—

_I'll burn you from the inside out._

But he had seen what they could do and—

_From the inside out._

They _had_ to know.

Hollis and the Hornets _had_ to know.

Hollis _deserved_ to know.

They _all_ did.

And when Aubrey stared at him, eyes—mismatched hazel and orange, though they had both been hazel when he had seen her last—glinting with cold and precise knowing, and grinned, he was _afraid_.

He had been afraid all week, all month, all _year_. This was no different. Her threat was pain? _Fine_. He had seen his friends hurt!

He'd take fire over the claws of whatever killed his friends.

And he had an apology to write.

So he sat down and typed, hand shaking.

Because he was afraid. He was _so very afraid_. But he was _done_ doing nothing.

> _The Hornets have taken over the monster hunting coz this one killed people and their way of doing shit ain't working. Duck and Co. tried to keep us away with lies. Duck told the truth, as much as he was willing to give up, and that helped a bit but... I'm not gonna hide any more._
> 
> _This thing killed my friends._
> 
> _Don't go out after dark. Don't shoot at shadows. Don't resist the Hornets._
> 
> _Keep the normal people safe._
> 
> _We'll handle the offensive._
> 
> _It's what we do best._
> 
> _Keith_


	11. The Society, Horrified

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit goes to pat.
> 
> The Society mobilizes.
> 
> Don't let them riot. Don't let them panic. Don't let them hurt anyone.
> 
> We have to trust that this will be okay.
> 
> We have to believe it will all be okay in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 26 fucked me up. 27 finished the job.
> 
> I'm in a state of almost perpetual emotional distress and it's all the McElboys and Dad's fault.
> 
> Fucking sweet storytelling y'all. Goddamn.
> 
> Still no plot, but I wanna see where Particle Man goes before there's another chapter. Considered writing something nonlinear to lighten the mood but...nah.
> 
> They're doing their best, these idiots.
> 
> (Ned if you don't talk to Aubrey instead of begging her to kill you, you fucking coward, I will end you. You are the bravest coward I've written for and I know that your interaction there was you taking the easy way out. Suit up and talk like goddamn adults. Fuck.)
> 
> Anyway, until next time, hang on. We got this. Trust them.

> _Turn on your TVs. Please._

Juno didn't even close her email after sending the message, opting to throw herself across the ranger station to switch on her shitty old CRT. Snow rolled across the screen until she jiggled the bunny ears into proper position and Ned "Censored on TV" Chicane came to view. And started speaking.

And things went to shit.

Fast.

First thing she realized, listening to Ned, was that he was saying some wack fucking shit. "There are monsters", _yeah, cool Ned. The people out there that needed to know that know that_. "They're killing people" _just the one but okay, old man._ _Fuck_. "We need to take up arms" _no. Nope. Nope no nope nah. That weren't Ned._

And then the thing that weren't Ned said something else. It said, "out there, in the woods, is a Gate" and she heard the Proper in that word but also—

Her memory rolled, like the signal on the station's shitty TV, and there was a moment that stood out starkly against everything else.

_Duck and Ned and Aubrey and that Mama woman and also a tall fella, standing about, looking nervous. Ned was wearing the bottom half of a Wookie costume, his car's bumper bent like he'd rammed into something. Duck was sweating bullets, his mismatched eyes flicking back and forth between her and Ned's car. Mama, hand reaching under her duster for a gun. Aubrey Little, fresh to Kepler, grinning a mile a minute._

_A lie about community theater. About Midsummer Night's Dream. About practice._

But the thing that weren't Ned says "Gate" and her memory changes. The scene is the same—lying and sweating and placations—but behind them, slammed into Ned's Lincoln, is a Gate. Three stones, all Stonehenge-like, with Ned's damn car wrapped around it.

Gate with a captial-G. Proper. Scary.

_Fuck_.

Juno threw herself back to her computer, slammed out another email, and dashed off. They needed to do damage control, stat.

> _There's gonna be a riot. Calm em down. Don't let em hurt anyone and don't let them into the woods behind Amnesty._
> 
> _That wasn't Ned._

* * *

Kirby was certain things were _beyond_ wrong. Firstly being that "Ned"—the scare quotes necessary because that _sure as fuck_ wasn't Ned—had spooked Billy, who scrambled off on all fours screaming. It took Kirby almost ten minutes to calm him down and it only worked because he promised to keep him safe and hidden, earning a happy bleated "Pizza!"

Second: "Ned" was trying for a riot and, considering the message it recorded and broadcasted, it was gonna get it. That was bad. _Very very bad._

Third: it was time for the Normal People to mobilize. They were the bridge between Ned and company and the folks just living in town. They needed to bridge that gap now. Keep people from falling into something bad.

So he drafted a quick message after reading the backlog, and ran, full-tilt, to _Amnesty Lodge._ If he ran into folks on the way there, he'd do his best to stop them.

> _That aint Ned. Billy didn't like it. He's in the Nomica rn if anyone wants to let him out. Tell him I said sorry though._
> 
> _Heading to Amnesty. See if they know what's going on. This is right fucked._
> 
> _Keep people from panicking. We got this. I know we do._

* * *

Pigeon was _panicking_. Not normal "oh, god, I'm gonna hafta move" panicking, but the kind with shallow breathing and wobbly vision.

Shit was heading so _so south_.

_"You gotta understand that I'm breaking, like, two codes of secrecy to tell you this, but like...you can't repeat this to anyone. Period, Pigeon. You got that?"_

But the cat's out now, ain't it? So what now? _What now?_

_Damage control_ , like Juno and Kirby said. If this one is lookin like Ned and tellin people to riot, then it's their job to _un_ -fuck this pooch. To hold up shields. Protect the Gate.

"Ned" said they're not from this world. _Aliens_? Aliens.

Would be fucking cool if it weren't life or death for a _whole damn planet of folks._

Pigeon ran, not even bothering to send an email. She ran out to the main and turned towards the _Lodge_. People were already moving and she could hear yelling, angry and scared. She could see makeshift weapons. She could feel the blood drain from her face.

This was the nightmare scenario.

_Fuck that noise._

Pigeon squared the fuck up and marched forward.

Not on _her_ fucking watch. Not in _her_ fucking town.

* * *

Calvin was losing his literal _and_ proverbial shit.

Monsters? _Okay_. Secret society to hunt monsters? _Fine_. Secret society he was a part of that protected the secret society that hunted monsters? _That's_ an onion of weird, but, _whatever_.

Monsters that were actually _aliens_? A Gate? Ned "Censored" Chicane _admitting_ it? Deputy Dewey died but _not really_?!

Calvin Owens was slowly checking out. There he goes, into the stratosphere. Ground control to major Tom. _What the fuck dude?_ You okay?

But _this one_ is killing folks. The others _tried_ , apparently. No one is certain if the snow was the monster last time but no one died of spooky means so...

And his dad...

His inbox was nothing but reminders.

_"Keep people from panicking."_

_"Don't let em hurt anyone."_

_"We got this."_

But he was _one kid_. One _fucking_ kid!

He wasn't built to protect a whole world! Let alone from rightfully scared folks!

But his dad holstered his pistol, glanced sidelong at him, and begged him to stay home.

" _Dad_ ," he wanted to say, "Duck and his friends got it! Stay home with me! _I'm scared_!"

He _didn't_ though.

Instead, Calvin grit his teeth, weighed his options, and sent a mass-text to his friends.

> _Don't panic. The Gate isn't the problem. That wasn't Ned. That was a monster wearing his face, the real threat. Don't go looking for trouble, please._
> 
> _Trust me._

And he steeled his nerves for what was coming.

* * *

Keith was infinitely grateful. He was infinitely terrified. He was infinitely conflicted.

Something was _wrong_.

Hollis called for the Hornets to mobilize. Head to _the Lodge_. Take your shit. Prepare for danger.

But Hollis _saw_ that thing! Saw it _and_ attacked it alongside Duck _but—!_

If Keith said that the Gate wasn't the issue, would they listen? Would they believe him?

_Would it matter?_

His leg itched. His heart raced. Now was the time to act.

He grabbed a bat and hopped on his bike.

He hoped he wasn't making the wrong choice.

He hoped the Normal People would be okay.

He prayed it wouldn't end in blood.


End file.
